Full circles

As I sit here on this very snowy afternoon of my 38th birthday, I am watching my only child play on his Wii. Twelve years ago he blessed my life with the uncertainty of being a new mom. After years of trying, he had finally came to my life. After many losses and much heartache I finally had my boy.

People ask me why I have put myself thru such loss. Miscarriage, sucks. There is no other way to put it. After my fifth, I decided it was enough.  Until my divorce four years ago. After realizing that my ex was the one that couldn't physically have anymore children...not me. Maybe this was my chance at another blessing.
My current Husband has no children of his own. While he had stepped up dutifully as my son's Dad, we wanted to have one of our own. I'm six years his senior, at the time putting me in my mid thirties hoping time was still on my side.

I promised I would dedicate myself to giving this man a child until I turned 38. The past two years we have lost three babies. I have fought endometriosis. Had tumors removed. Done hormone replacement therepy. Dealt with my own feelings of failure as a wife and a woman. Oh, and the hormones had kicked of Fibromyalgia to boot! Fun times!

This past August I was told the endometriosis had returned. This time taking over my bladder, bowel, kidney and uterus. As I drove home from the doctors I was surprised by the light feeling I was experiencing. My body was fighting me. Mentally I was cooked. Overall I was relieved. I was ready for this rodeo to be done.

My biggest hurdle is still the fact I won't ever give my Husband his own child. But for me, life is much more precious. The light bulb went off! I have a son, that I am missing time with because of all the shit i'm putting my body thru to get pregnant. (insert the mental slap here) I'm ready to live my life, I want my body back and I don't want the emotional headache of wondering "am I" this month. No period for the rest of my life is a bonus!!

So, I booked a full abdominal hysterectomy for the first Friday of this year! I am three weeks post op and healing well.

From my couch I am enjoying my son and Husband as we make plans for our big move out of state this summer. Plans that include biking and kayaking and hiking and camping and all if the things I gave up the past two years.

My new motto "I'm uterus free and living life!"

When Florida became more than a vacation...

Last January we went to Florida for my birthday to visit friends that had moved there the year before.  We all had a fantastic time. On the flight back home my son said something that would change our lives forever.

"Why do we have to go back?" he questioned. Me in my post vaca stuper mumbled something about our "REAL" lives and work and school. But his question stayed with me. And my Husband. Once we got home terms like "What if....in Florida" were flying around our house.

So here is the big question...WHY CAN'T FLORIDA "BE" OUR REAL LIVES?

We were all thinking the same thing.... it was more than a dream that needed spoken.

A family meeting the week after we got home, our dreams became a spoken idea. It was unanimous, we wanted to move to Florida! Not just talk about it....actually doing it...moving to Florida?? It was fantastic and scary all at the same time! Plans were made and put into motion...

Pay off debt (or at least as much as possible) before the end of the year.
Purge all non-essential items that would not be making the move with us.
Tell friends and family our plan.
Put the house on the market.

CHECK, CHECK, CHECK AND CHECK!

Now we just wait for a bite on the house, Husband to finish up his Military duties and the Kid to finish 7th grade. It's going to be a long ass winter in Ohio, but if all goes well, it will be our last!

On a personal note, "Why move to Florida?, What if you get down there and don't like it?, Won't you miss your family?" - These questions have been thrown and my Husband and myself repeatedly. Here's the thing -  We want to spend our birthdays and holidays on the beach! - We can always come back if it doesn't work out for whatever reason. - Of course we will miss our families & friends, but we have to do what is best for "our lil family"...And what kinda of role models would we be if we didn't show our son it was ok to act on a dream instead of spending your life wondering "What if I had".