Sunday, January 26, 2014

Full circles

As I sit here on this very snowy afternoon of my 38th birthday, I am watching my only child play on his Wii. Twelve years ago he blessed my life with the uncertainty of being a new mom. After years of trying, he had finally came to my life. After many losses and much heartache I finally had my boy.

People ask me why I have put myself thru such loss. Miscarriage, sucks. There is no other way to put it. After my fifth, I decided it was enough.  Until my divorce four years ago. After realizing that my ex was the one that couldn't physically have anymore children...not me. Maybe this was my chance at another blessing.
My current Husband has no children of his own. While he had stepped up dutifully as my son's Dad, we wanted to have one of our own. I'm six years his senior, at the time putting me in my mid thirties hoping time was still on my side.

I promised I would dedicate myself to giving this man a child until I turned 38. The past two years we have lost three babies. I have fought endometriosis. Had tumors removed. Done hormone replacement therepy. Dealt with my own feelings of failure as a wife and a woman. Oh, and the hormones had kicked of Fibromyalgia to boot! Fun times!

This past August I was told the endometriosis had returned. This time taking over my bladder, bowel, kidney and uterus. As I drove home from the doctors I was surprised by the light feeling I was experiencing. My body was fighting me. Mentally I was cooked. Overall I was relieved. I was ready for this rodeo to be done.

My biggest hurdle is still the fact I won't ever give my Husband his own child. But for me, life is much more precious. The light bulb went off! I have a son, that I am missing time with because of all the shit i'm putting my body thru to get pregnant. (insert the mental slap here) I'm ready to live my life, I want my body back and I don't want the emotional headache of wondering "am I" this month. No period for the rest of my life is a bonus!!

So, I booked a full abdominal hysterectomy for the first Friday of this year! I am three weeks post op and healing well.

From my couch I am enjoying my son and Husband as we make plans for our big move out of state this summer. Plans that include biking and kayaking and hiking and camping and all if the things I gave up the past two years.

My new motto "I'm uterus free and living life!"

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